Acceptance in the NOW

Today is one of those days. You know, the ones where there isn't anything particularly wrong, but the weather is mucky and grey, the littlest setback or criticism sets you off, and you want to erupt into tears. It's not even PMS time yet, so you can't blame that. My writing will be a bit haphazard, and may not even follow one train of thought, but I've got to get some stuff down.

Last night, my father reminded me that one's vulnerability is what makes us human, it's what reminds us that there is something bigger in the world than us. I guess my demanding attitude, persistence, and decisiveness had given him the impression that I'd abandoned or lost my spirituality. My belief in the energy of the universe is strong, and I believe more fervently now than ever before that I'm following my heart, soul, and intuition. It isn't easy, but I'm supposed to be navigating this direction. I do not have all of the answers or the pieces in place, nor should I. I'm not trying to force things to happen, but I'm acutely aware of the things I can make happen. My best friend also questioned my spirituality and direction of my life in the past year, and things between her and I have never quite been the same. Unknowingly, she offended the core of my very being because she hadn't taken the time to ask about how I'd changed. It is hard to allow people close to us to change, let alone change drastically. It is also hard to acknowledge that maybe we don't know someone as well as we think we do.

It has become apparent to me that many strangers have a better sense of who I truly am than my own closest family and friends. I can engage a stranger within seconds of talking to me, and my groundedness, passion, charisma, and intelligence is easy to see. I exert little effort in impressing anyone, but on the flip side, I also rarely show anyone my vulnerability. As a result, I've been known to be "rock solid" and dependable. I've been seen as extremely strong by so many friends my entire life that I've often felt that I had no one I could be vulnerable with. When I do open up, and expose my weaknesses, more often than not others just minimize them, try to fix them, or try to relate to them in their own life. Sharing your own sob stories is not helpful. All I'm asking for is to be validated in feeling the way I do, and to be listened to. I'm asking to be accepted just as I am, for who I am NOW. Not for who I was when I was young.

I am vulnerable. I wear my heart on my sleeve and share it easily with others. I spill out my passion and energy and neglect to keep some inside to keep me flickering. I love quickly and deeply, without expecting it in return. I have always been a giver, to a fault, and now that I'm trying to be more careful and cautious, I have people questioning my behavior and my spirituality. I have every right to protect myself, and if it comes off as confident or arrogant to you, well I don't really care. No one has proven to me yet that they are safe enough or strong enough to handle all of me, so why should I share my dreams, thoughts, passions, and love with them?

Birthday notes, and tunes, and melodies

I don't sing enough.

I've been listening to Tristan Prettyman and Casey Abrams today for my birthday... singing along at the top of my lungs, feeling so high on life and loving every breath I take on this first day of the 26th year of my life. Every time I catch myself in one of these moments I ask myself why I ever stopped singing and why I never pursued creating an album...

then I remember...

I was a vocal minor in college and destroyed my voice in Gospel Choir. I had a tonsillectomy and rested my voice/throat for a few weeks only to find that I could scarcely sing my second semester of freshmen year. I enrolled in vocal therapy on campus and my first therapist was named Jocelyn. (I intend to name a daughter after her one day.) I learned about the plethora of ways I was incorrectly using my voice... my laugh, my yelling, my pitch, my whole personality was not conducive to healthy vocal chords. I went through three semesters of therapy trying to break habits and learn how to use my voice.

I dropped my minor.

And I began to believe I'd never sing again...

By my junior year, I was studying abroad in Thailand. One of the women in the program brought her guitar and wrote her own music. She inspired me and I worked on a song by Schuyler Fisk with her. We ended up performing it at an International Festival on campus in Chiang Mai. This was the first time I'd performed in public since high school. A flame burned brightly inside me again for three and half long minutes... a flame that had been extinguished for quite some time.

I performed the same song with another guitarist back in Eau Claire during Homecoming of my senior year. Some friends recorded this performance and it is actually somewhere on Facebook. I was pleasantly surprised at the quality... and at my voice.

Since then, I've dabbled in song writing but never completed anything. I've got a bunch of tidbits and melodies in my head, but no piano or guitar playing capability so it's difficult to put together. I've resolved myself to being a local karaoke junkie for now. Look for me at G Allen's, Biology, Ace Bar, the Legion, Blue Line, etc. Lol. Seriously though, I'm going out to the Ace on Thursday night to celebrate my birthday. Feel free to stop in and belt out some tunes with me!

21st Century Politics and Women

Google "binders full of women" and you'll get nearly 16 million hits already. The facebook group with this title had over 120,000 likes in just over an hour. There are celebrity photos (like Patrick Swayze from Dirty Dancing) with binder-related remarks strewn all over the internet. This phrase, taken out of context, is another silly attempt at slandering the Romney ticket.

When asked about the equal pay issue facing women in our workforce today, Romney thought he was tackling the question quite solidly with his anecdote about hiring women on his state cabinet. Unfortunately, he phrased his request for female applicants poorly and the public went viral with his "binders full of women" comment in a matter of minutes. Not to mention the rest of his anecdote was condescending and patronizing.

I am not here to defend Romney or ignorantly continue the slander. What I want to point out is that this election is CRUCIAL for so many women, for so many families, for the future of our country and our global presence... and WE'RE CONCERNING OURSELVES WITH A BINDER COMMENT.

Women, please pay attention. Your vote matters. This comment will forever remain symbolic of Romney's overall response to women's rights and issues that were finally brought to light during this presidential debate. He had an opportunity to shine, and he biffed it. Majorly. We need to take this debate seriously and look into the facts. Whose voting record supports women and their health (financial health, physical health, reproductive health, etc.)?

If you are one of those people who says you don't like politics, or you don't care about politics, PLEASE WAKE UP and attend to your civil duty of voting. No, it's not fun. No, most of us don't like it, but it was a hard-earned right for many of us to even have the ability to vote, and the direction of our country is suffering because of apathetic, uninvolved citizens.