Today is one of those days. You know, the ones where there isn't anything particularly wrong, but the weather is mucky and grey, the littlest setback or criticism sets you off, and you want to erupt into tears. It's not even PMS time yet, so you can't blame that. My writing will be a bit haphazard, and may not even follow one train of thought, but I've got to get some stuff down.
Last night, my father reminded me that one's vulnerability is what makes us human, it's what reminds us that there is something bigger in the world than us. I guess my demanding attitude, persistence, and decisiveness had given him the impression that I'd abandoned or lost my spirituality. My belief in the energy of the universe is strong, and I believe more fervently now than ever before that I'm following my heart, soul, and intuition. It isn't easy, but I'm supposed to be navigating this direction. I do not have all of the answers or the pieces in place, nor should I. I'm not trying to force things to happen, but I'm acutely aware of the things I can make happen. My best friend also questioned my spirituality and direction of my life in the past year, and things between her and I have never quite been the same. Unknowingly, she offended the core of my very being because she hadn't taken the time to ask about how I'd changed. It is hard to allow people close to us to change, let alone change drastically. It is also hard to acknowledge that maybe we don't know someone as well as we think we do.
It has become apparent to me that many strangers have a better sense of who I truly am than my own closest family and friends. I can engage a stranger within seconds of talking to me, and my groundedness, passion, charisma, and intelligence is easy to see. I exert little effort in impressing anyone, but on the flip side, I also rarely show anyone my vulnerability. As a result, I've been known to be "rock solid" and dependable. I've been seen as extremely strong by so many friends my entire life that I've often felt that I had no one I could be vulnerable with. When I do open up, and expose my weaknesses, more often than not others just minimize them, try to fix them, or try to relate to them in their own life. Sharing your own sob stories is not helpful. All I'm asking for is to be validated in feeling the way I do, and to be listened to. I'm asking to be accepted just as I am, for who I am NOW. Not for who I was when I was young.
I am vulnerable. I wear my heart on my sleeve and share it easily with others. I spill out my passion and energy and neglect to keep some inside to keep me flickering. I love quickly and deeply, without expecting it in return. I have always been a giver, to a fault, and now that I'm trying to be more careful and cautious, I have people questioning my behavior and my spirituality. I have every right to protect myself, and if it comes off as confident or arrogant to you, well I don't really care. No one has proven to me yet that they are safe enough or strong enough to handle all of me, so why should I share my dreams, thoughts, passions, and love with them?
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